Now that some time has passed and chemo is over I am more relaxed with the day to day events of being a mother.
Some of the things I'm about to write about may seem ridiculous, but most of you haven't walked in my shoes.
And, thankfully, never will...
I no longer have the need to check on her at 2 am to make sure she is still breathing.
Barf buckets are now used to store toys.
The pile of daily medication bottles is down to two from seven.
I still cringe when Zoe runs, does a flip on the swings, or tries a cartwheel.
But I don't let her see it.
Most of the time.
Gigi can run and flip and slide and climb and I don't flinch at all.
I'm still working on that with Zoe.
We let her get her ears pierced because her hair has been so short.
It may never be too long.
It's a way for her to express her femininity and to avoid stares.
I've eased up on the use of antibacterial hand wipes and sanitizers.
In fact, I let her eat a fry that she dropped from her hand and that landed on the table at Krekels Hamburgers recently.
In fact, eating out in general is no big deal anymore.
Crowds and their germs don't scare us anymore.
But some things still make me nervous...
Zoe is getting her port out soon.
I'm fine with surgery.
I just hope we don't EVER have to put another one in.
Every other month blood tests.
Just typing those words gave me the shivers.
She's never had a tumor that shows its size.
She's had a disease of her blood.
The stuff that keeps us alive.
It can be a silent, unseen, and quick moving killer.
And it still scares the crap out of me.
Is she growing appropriately?
Is her brain?
Is her handwriting sloppy because she's 8 1/2 years old or because of the effects of all of the drugs?
It's all getting easier.
Life with a daughter who has cancer.
But a cancer that's in remission.
We are waiting to hear the words "Mom, dad, I just got accepted into college!"
Then I think I'll really be able to relax.